After The Party

I don’t even…  how do I even start? It just showed up and… I can’t deal right now… I mean… I was going for the vodka and then it was like…right?!

Okay, so the police just left. And they took it with them. The put it in a plastic zipper bag like it was a piece of chicken or something – a big, frozen, bloody piece of chicken. Not the pretty free-range grass-fed chicken that looks happy either; this was one of those gross bags of bleached thighs that just oozes blood and chemicals and hormones and factory farm torture vibes. They took everything else from the freezer, too, so goodbye vodka. It’s not like the girls really need all those starchy frozen dinners anyway, but the vodka! I gave them that vodka! It was Russian and they just took it! Russian!

They’re just doing their jobs, I guess. The vodka was touching it so I guess there might be evidence on the bottle or something? And honestly, I don’t think anyone would want to drink it now anyway. I mean, it was right next to it. Touching it. Smooshed up next to it. I don’t know how the girls will ever put food in that freezer again. I hope that Lizzie’s parents just pay to replace it and… oh god, Lizzie’s parents. I can’t even think about them right now. This is so horrible! This is going to totally cloud my aura for yoga next week. I was so close to being purple…  now I’m going to be all yellow and icky… Yogini Padma will be so disappointed…

But how does this even happen? Seriously, how? Last year was so chill, I met everyone for the first time, and we had a great night. Even if the vodka was cheap and domestic, it was fun. That was when I finally realized…  But you guys all know that, right? That’s so last year, it’s like 60 blog posts ago. I don’t need to bring up all that stuff. OK, back to today with the police.

They sent over only 2 officers, no back up, no forensic team like on TV. We were expecting the full crime scene experience! I mean, what’s the fun of a horrific crime happening in your best friends’ apartment if you don’t even get to see some yellow tape and chalk outlines? We were making jokes to break the tension when they showed up and they thought it was really weird. Officer Jameson, the cute little blonde officer with the killer green eyes, was really mean about it. She said something about us being truly sick if we thought there was anything funny about mutilating a human body… Thank god she didn’t see when we put sunglasses on it. Well not so much we as me. I still don’t know why Lakshmi felt the need to “vomit with utter disgust at my crassness”. She can be so over-dramatic. But when Officer Jameson and her partner Officer Lee (who was totally trying to cockblock me, by the way. Um, dude, she’s your partner. I think I have a better shot than you do) finally opened the freezer, they freaked out. They were like, 10 times worse than me. I may have been Caruso-ing, but they started running around the condo with their guns out. They made us sit down in the living room, then stand in the kitchen with our hands up. Then they made us kneel on the ground to be handcuffed, but realized they couldn’t handcuff all of us because they didn’t have enough cuffs. When Grace offered to go get her cuffs from her bedroom, they freaked out again and started waving their guns and yelling. By the time the actual forensic unit showed up with backup, I was sitting in the bathtub with James and Vishnu in zipties, and the girls were each locked in their respective rooms; when Kali pointed out that she didn’t actually live there, she was ushered into Naomi’s room. I don’t think she minded; those two are such close friends. Oh, and they were standing by the doors with their guns drawn to make sure we didn’t try and “pull something”. What did they expect us to do, decapitate them and hide the body on the balcony? They might have even shot at the door when their backup showed up… but maybe there’s always been a hole in the door? You know, that whole industrial aesthetic is really big in condos these days. Exposed brick and beams and imperfections and bullet holes; it’s probably actually good for resale value. I have to remember to tell Lizzie’s parent’s when they show up. Oh, god. Her parents…

9-1-1 thought it was a prank call, because Valentine’s Day is kinda busy for them. I don’t blame them, I mean James can sound really queer on the phone, it freaks me out sometimes. I guess a lot of women get crazy emotional around this time of year. So they’re used to getting calls about stabbings, murder-suicides, jumpers, you know, that type of thing. But then when they finally got here, they didn’t know what to do. It’s not exactly a normal day on the job, even on Valentine’s Day. Even in Toronto. This wasn’t exactly a condo meth lab explosion. I mean, you have 7 twenty-somethings standing in a kitchen with a severed human head in the freezer.

Anyway, they took the head and I’m waiting for Officer Jameson to call me back. She said it’s just routine follow up questioning, but I saw the way she looked at me. I bet she could tell I do Pilates. She was digging the TayTay man!

That’s about it from me; I can’t really top finding a head in the freezer. Until my next post, take it easy Taylor Town! Peace, love, and happiness! Oh and don’t decapitate anyone, you crazy kids!

PS: I just remembered! Yesterday I got fro-yo and they didn’t charge me extra for a waffle bowl! Can you say blessed or what?